Understanding Grief can Help Recovery

When people ask me how they can learn more about pet bereavement, I refer them to any good book or course on human bereavement, because the basic process of grief is the same for any type of loss.

It is also a common misconception that grief is only experienced when someone encounters death. Grief tends to occur when someone has lost something that was very important to them. That is why people still go through the grief process when a person or pet goes missing. Even when the pet is still alive but not with the owner, perhaps having been relocated through necessity, the owner can still experience grief for their loss, as they grieve for the lost relationship they had with the pet.

The initial stage of grief is one of shock and disbelief, and this can last from moments to hours or days.

Basically, it's they way the brain protects the body; if you do not belief that something has occurred, you cannot react to it. Therefore, the brain tells you not to believe that your pet is dead or missing, and this puts on ice that rush of emotional turmoil that does eventually happen when the reality of the situation finally hits you.

Shock is a word that is over used. People often say that something has shocked them when really they are just taken aback. When something traumatic has happened, the shock that you experience is more like being hit by a train: it stops you dead in your tracks and can hinder your speech, you power of thought and your behavior. There are physical elements to shock, too, with some people being violently sick or suddenly developing head, chest or abdominal pain.

Of course, we are all individuals and the way we respond to situations varies, not just according to the situation but also depending on whatever else is going on in our lives at the time. This is why some people struggle with grief; they feel that because they have dealt with it in the past, they expect to be able to deal with any future grief, and can become very distraught when the loss of one particular pet knocks them sideways.

The second stage of grief is when people are hit by a tidal wave of emotions, including anger, guilt and resentment. The focus of their anger is usually whoever or whatever they feel is responsible for the loss of their pet. In some cases, it may be the veterinarian, particularly if the animal has died at the surgery or when undergoing treatment. In other instances the anger may be channeled towards someone who left the gate open, or the driver of the car that hit the pet, or the person who was responsible for the pet at the time when the loss occurred.


If the person blamed himself for the loss, then this may take the form of anger and guilt, which is quite a heady combination of emotions and can be difficult to cope with. One example of this is when someone goes on holiday and puts an elderly dog into kennels, where the dog dies before the owner returns. The owner could be overwhelmed by anger, which may be directed at the dog for dying or the owner of the kennels because it occurred there. The person may even blame himself for going on holiday in the first place. This maelstrom of anger is then further complicated by feelings of guilt, because they were responsible for making the decisions both to go away and to place the dog in kennels.

We all know that we cannot control everything in our lives or in the lives of other people. Therefore, we have to accept that things will happen when we least expect them to, no matter how prepared we are.

Resentment can also occur, such as when an owner has lost one of many dogs. The person can start to feel resentful towards the pets that remain, simply because they are not the one that has died. If these feelings become so distressed that they contemplate rehoming their existing pets. However, they should be reassured that these feelings are unlikely to last and that if they really cannot bear to have other pets around, they should either take a break away or see if someone else could care for the pets for a short while until they have worked through their emotions.